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thekingsgambitI'm doing this, even though it's probably just a mood. I'm sick of internalizing things.
Honestly, a while back I started a one-on-one RP that have given me the flexibility camp never has and I adore it and it steals my RP-time CONSTANTLY. At the meantime, my confidence in both my play and entertainment to others has been declining substantially. I purposely avoid things because I don't want to deal with the issues that arise from them. And yet I still feel resentment and regret for not participating. I am unsure about any of my voices. I am discomforted by the desire for otherness. I'm discomforted by other things too that I won't mention but should be able to be divulged by anyone who knows me. I'd be discomforted about drops, but hey way of life and all.
That said, I still love my boys. I'm ecstatic about my new Geass castmate and I'm super-excited about the madness Kaname and I are working through. But everyone always wants development, and all I really want is to fuck up my characters, which brings back that fear that maybe I'm just playing wrong. This sudden and utter lack of confidence has been crippling my play most of all, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Note, I am not canon-reviewing. I'm just not. I think canon-review is mostly used to restore interest in a character, and I haven't lost any of my old love. I just. Don't trust the way I handle things anymore. And yes, the wolves and Setsuna escape this fear so it's pretty obvious who it pertains to.
So yeah, I'm hoping I get over it and can play normally again, without feeling off and on dizzy. Because I play RP for fun and if I'm spending my time angsting about playing rather than just playing, yeah that's a problem.
In conclusion, everyone is safe unless I lose my nerve and cut loose entirely.
I'd have put this in my normal journal, but I'm afraid my RL friend will see and mock me. :(
Honestly, a while back I started a one-on-one RP that have given me the flexibility camp never has and I adore it and it steals my RP-time CONSTANTLY. At the meantime, my confidence in both my play and entertainment to others has been declining substantially. I purposely avoid things because I don't want to deal with the issues that arise from them. And yet I still feel resentment and regret for not participating. I am unsure about any of my voices. I am discomforted by the desire for otherness. I'm discomforted by other things too that I won't mention but should be able to be divulged by anyone who knows me. I'd be discomforted about drops, but hey way of life and all.
That said, I still love my boys. I'm ecstatic about my new Geass castmate and I'm super-excited about the madness Kaname and I are working through. But everyone always wants development, and all I really want is to fuck up my characters, which brings back that fear that maybe I'm just playing wrong. This sudden and utter lack of confidence has been crippling my play most of all, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Note, I am not canon-reviewing. I'm just not. I think canon-review is mostly used to restore interest in a character, and I haven't lost any of my old love. I just. Don't trust the way I handle things anymore. And yes, the wolves and Setsuna escape this fear so it's pretty obvious who it pertains to.
So yeah, I'm hoping I get over it and can play normally again, without feeling off and on dizzy. Because I play RP for fun and if I'm spending my time angsting about playing rather than just playing, yeah that's a problem.
In conclusion, everyone is safe unless I lose my nerve and cut loose entirely.
I'd have put this in my normal journal, but I'm afraid my RL friend will see and mock me. :(