Lelouch vi Britannia (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thekingsgambit) wrote2009-12-29 04:07 am
thekingsgambit) wrote2009-12-29 04:07 am
Entry tags:
Mrrrrrrrr
I'm doing this, even though it's probably just a mood. I'm sick of internalizing things.
Honestly, a while back I started a one-on-one RP that have given me the flexibility camp never has and I adore it and it steals my RP-time CONSTANTLY. At the meantime, my confidence in both my play and entertainment to others has been declining substantially. I purposely avoid things because I don't want to deal with the issues that arise from them. And yet I still feel resentment and regret for not participating. I am unsure about any of my voices. I am discomforted by the desire for otherness. I'm discomforted by other things too that I won't mention but should be able to be divulged by anyone who knows me. I'd be discomforted about drops, but hey way of life and all.
That said, I still love my boys. I'm ecstatic about my new Geass castmate and I'm super-excited about the madness Kaname and I are working through. But everyone always wants development, and all I really want is to fuck up my characters, which brings back that fear that maybe I'm just playing wrong. This sudden and utter lack of confidence has been crippling my play most of all, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Note, I am not canon-reviewing. I'm just not. I think canon-review is mostly used to restore interest in a character, and I haven't lost any of my old love. I just. Don't trust the way I handle things anymore. And yes, the wolves and Setsuna escape this fear so it's pretty obvious who it pertains to.
So yeah, I'm hoping I get over it and can play normally again, without feeling off and on dizzy. Because I play RP for fun and if I'm spending my time angsting about playing rather than just playing, yeah that's a problem.
In conclusion, everyone is safe unless I lose my nerve and cut loose entirely.
I'd have put this in my normal journal, but I'm afraid my RL friend will see and mock me. :(
Honestly, a while back I started a one-on-one RP that have given me the flexibility camp never has and I adore it and it steals my RP-time CONSTANTLY. At the meantime, my confidence in both my play and entertainment to others has been declining substantially. I purposely avoid things because I don't want to deal with the issues that arise from them. And yet I still feel resentment and regret for not participating. I am unsure about any of my voices. I am discomforted by the desire for otherness. I'm discomforted by other things too that I won't mention but should be able to be divulged by anyone who knows me. I'd be discomforted about drops, but hey way of life and all.
That said, I still love my boys. I'm ecstatic about my new Geass castmate and I'm super-excited about the madness Kaname and I are working through. But everyone always wants development, and all I really want is to fuck up my characters, which brings back that fear that maybe I'm just playing wrong. This sudden and utter lack of confidence has been crippling my play most of all, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Note, I am not canon-reviewing. I'm just not. I think canon-review is mostly used to restore interest in a character, and I haven't lost any of my old love. I just. Don't trust the way I handle things anymore. And yes, the wolves and Setsuna escape this fear so it's pretty obvious who it pertains to.
So yeah, I'm hoping I get over it and can play normally again, without feeling off and on dizzy. Because I play RP for fun and if I'm spending my time angsting about playing rather than just playing, yeah that's a problem.
In conclusion, everyone is safe unless I lose my nerve and cut loose entirely.
I'd have put this in my normal journal, but I'm afraid my RL friend will see and mock me. :(
no subject
If it's any consolation, I know you weren't confident at all in your ability to play Lulu in the CFUW game we played at last time, and I know there were some times you thought you screwed up-- but I really think you did a very good job. You're probably judging your abilities to play more harshly than other people, and while it's good to be critical of yourself, being too harsh can really just destroy your confidence. I don't think I can give you any good suggestions, and I think it's different for everyone how to deal with that. Personally, I'm one of those people who avoid getting involved in certain things due to lack of confidence, and the only way I can get over it is to jump in and to it anyway, because I know otherwise I just won't, ever. And for me, it works! But I don't know if it would for you or if it'd just make you much more anxious.
And I think especially with some of the characters you have, it's kind of normal to want to mess up their lives since... well, they're really good for messing up! That being said, I have no good suggestions on how to help you with that, unfortunately. But I'm always up for doing things, so if you ever think of something (I suck at planning, sadly :(), feel free to tell me! I can at least listen and give my opinion on what it seems best.
Personally I love threading with you, even if I can be a hassle to thread with sometimes (uuugh timezone :|a), so I hope this comment helped even if a bit! Remember the most important thing is to have fun, okay?