MY SANITY LET ME SHOW YOU IT
Nov. 13th, 2010 03:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thekingsgambitSo the serious poll on insanity the other day got me thinking about how camp has affected my crew's relative level of sanity. I'm only going to do the main three since they are the ones who have canonical insanity problems while the others are mostly normal from where I took them. For some, their time in camp has improved things greatly. For others... not so much. Let's see who got the short end of the stick, shall we?
SETSUNA
Before Camp:
Setsuna was originally taken from before his trip to Heaven so he was pretty worked up about finding Sara. While he had dealt with some of his earlier issues of struggling with his incestuous love for his sister, struggling with his feeling of isolation from the world and its resentment of him (along with his attempted suicide) and struggling to know whether people saw him instead of Alexiel, he was doing all right. He still had his violent and selfish urges and still constantly worried whether he was good enough.
At Camp:
Setsuna did all right at first, finding instant familiarity in Katou's presence and slowly warming up to both Michael and Raphael, despite his rocky history with the former and complete unfamiliarity with the latter. The people here were less pushy about his Messiah role so Setsuna could develop again as his own person and make friends on his own terms, without the specter of Alexiel hanging over him. He found kinship in the Sohmas due to their own understanding of fate and intense familial bonds and opened up more easily to people. Things were slightly complicated by Kira's arrival and with it, the truth about the future and what would happen to him and his friends. Kira unsettled Setsuna's world greatly in that he represented exactly what Setsuna most wanted while bringing Sara's missing to the forefront of Setsuna's mind, along with the nagging knowledge that Kira wasn't quite Kira anymore, something Setsuna continued to deny for a long time.
However, the ever-present worry over Sara's state and his inability to reach her gradually wore him down to the point where he snapped and retreated into Alexiel. This resulted in his de-aged form running about while Alexiel tried to coax the hiding Setsuna back into reality. It worked for a while and Setsuna continued to struggle with coping. Sara's arrival obviously improved things greatly. But Setsuna was still a selfish prick, something he became distinctly aware of with Raziel's arrival and the emphasis on his Messiah role. After learning the truth about Raziel, Setsuna did his best to work on his selfish nature, aside from occasionally raising holy hell with Raphael for the angel's interest in Sara.
Things took another ugly turn when the Death Games resulted in Kira's death and Lucifer's resurrection, forcing Setsuna to acknowledge what he had been suppressing all this time. Lucifer ended up killing Setsuna and then kissing Alexiel just as Setsuna fought back for consciousness, thus confusing him further. Which was naturally complicated to the nth power by Kira's departure. This hit Setsuna especially hard since he had recently lost Katou and now was fully aware that returning back home would not bring them back and that he would have to accept that the times they had here (many of them good) would be their last.
Still, Setsuna, bolstered by his ever-replenishing social circle, at camp bounced back. He had Michael to kick his ass into shape and Sara to comfort him. Hatori's leaving also hit him hard since Hatori was the one person outside his immediate circle that he truly connected with and felt 100% comfortable around. But Setsuna's vacation home and subsequent update to just after he leaves Eden improved things slightly, giving Setsuna a better idea of where he stood in things. Katou and Uriel's return has also improved his mood greatly, making him more likely to play around and relax. Still, Setsuna's warrior lust remains high and he gets easily bored and while he is not as easily provoked into a fight, Setsuna can only ignore the impulse for so long. At this point, Setsuna's main concerns right now are his increasing distrust for Hatter, given both the auction promise and what he heard about happening with Neji, and his worry over Katou's mental state, given what Katou's been through recently. He is most worried about Katou and will do whatever it takes to help him, including distraction.
Effect on Sanity:
Positive. Overall, Setsuna feels at home here, and though he is not super inclined to return to his world, he has reached the point where he understands that it's something he has to do. He's all right with this and plans to just enjoy his time and people here. He has made friends who see him for who he is and his self-esteem issues have gradually toned down, making him less reluctant to become close to people and more willing to talk about himself. And he has come to terms with both his losses and Lucifer/Kira, although he still despises any analogues of Lucifer for what they represent. There is still some irritation toward Alexiel, but it's old wounds and it's more annoyance than actual resentment at this point.
LELOUCH
Previously on adventures in Lelouch's sanity:
Recap
Also going on in here is Lelouch's turbulent relationship with Cornelia and his struggle to decide how they are supposed to live together here (going from disdain to attack to professionalism to strained attempts at understanding) and his unsettled feelings toward his being in camp in the first place.
Camp Since Then:
Simply put, the entire incident with Masque FUCKED LELOUCH UP. From the return to having to order the deaths of others (something he had hoped to never have to do again) to the crippling failure of his plans to his and Masque's private interlude. Lelouch was not well after this. But Lelouch is also highly skilled at repressing by now. And repress he did! I think the only person to ever know how much this time really shook Lelouch is Cornelia, who saw him right after the final fight and could see that for all of Lelouch's homicidal tendencies and bluster, he is still very vulnerable.
Suzaku's return both improved and worsened things. Lelouch did not know how to deal with it at first, especially since Suzaku was not from quite the same time as him. He pushed him away at first, while ensuring that Nunnally enjoyed the return of their old friend. But at the same time, the idea of Suzaku wasting his last chance at life by being miserable and withdrawn rankled him something fierce, driving Lelouch to seek out Suzaku for the sake of getting him involved in things and just... being himself.
Then, there was the incident with Cornelia that dredged up his bloody past with Euphie, forcing Lelouch to acknowledge what he has always known, that his later actions (ZR) were nothing toward Euphie's dream. Aside from half-driving himself mad with his inability to do anything for those he had hurt, Lelouch also came to terms with the flaws of his final plan and realized a new course was required here to amend for what he could not do in his world. But still, he struggled with bringing that course to play, still plagued by uncertainty and the difficulty of facing issues he had never had to deal with by themselves before now. Like his complicated feelings toward Suzaku.
Of course, mistletoe season took all these issues and had a regular field day with them, forcing Lelouch to confront them head-on. Lelouch's attempts at evasion with Suzaku only worsened things until truths were finally bared, and Lelouch came to accept his selfish nature when it came to the knight. And he does fully view it as selfish, although he knows it gives Suzaku something as well and likes to tell himself their relationship is just for the sake of giving the knight closure. It's obviously not the healthiest thing for either of them since Suzaku can never really forgive Lelouch and Lelouch knows that, and while it has shades of their Ashford days, the shadow of their promise is never truly gone from either of their minds. Not to mention that memories of Shirley and Euphie, and even some Kallen too, still linger in Lelouch's mind. But for lack of a better word, the relationship does help Lelouch better connect with the world he has distanced himself from, and he does relax around Suzaku. In a slightly warped way, they are content with it. When Lelouch is not dealing with his anxiety from being too damn neurotic about these things, something that also might have a bit of connection with his trauma from October 2009.
Though this relaxation is banked by the events of the Apple Plot, which resulted in Lelouch Geassing two people especially close to him. Kamui and Ricochet. Much of Lelouch's new attitude toward life and toward camp is a reaction to that event, with him wanting to use camp to its fullest to prove to this place that its positive uses can overpower the negative effects. But the Geassing has left Lelouch slightly messed-up in terms of how he connects to both Kamui and Ricochet. The same with how shooting Cornelia has made him more inclined to reach out to her, on top of how nightmares about Euphie have urged him to be family for her sake. He struggles with an excess of guilt and constant reevaluation of what others need for him, which is the most important thing to him now. This plays into his strained attempts to let Nunnally develop on her own, with some encouragement from his end to let her know it's all right, even if part of him wants to intervene and the other part wants to stay away completely.
Effect on Sanity:
Mixed. Lelouch exists in a constant state of flux, with various things likely to set him off and a difficulty with finding himself immediately afterward. While facing some of his issues has been important toward his new level of maturation at camp (since it really wasn't quite complete back home), doing so has also devastated some of his long-held defenses and left him unsure, the worst possible thing in Lelouch's mind. Lelouch still seeks to be in control of situations, but he is very volatile in the wrong circumstances and falls back on old destructive habits. Like oh trying to level camp with his Knightmare. |D;;
ZERO
Previously in adventures in Zero's sanity:
Recap!
Since Then in Camp:
Well, at first Zero updating to a year later helped since he was more stable and could control his bloodlust and some other events like the Mirror Plot and such helped him open up to his special people about his most repressed issues. Plus, his horsie showed up so that made him happy. Zero loev Lily. Then Zero started getting to know more of the Campires like the Twivamps and even learning to not hate some of them (as he learned of their 'vegetarian' natures), though he was still doing dumb shit like getting into violent fights with Kaname and turning into adorable fluffy animals. All in all though, he had a good base of people he considered friends and was steadily improving.
Then Yuuki showed up. LOL. All of Zero's repressed issues swam to the forefront from his pat with her to his bloodlust for her to his inability to fully disassociate past and present. There was the biting, which didn't help either since it showed him how much both the past and his bloodlust held sway over him. Plus, people began to question his relationship with Yuuki as they approached either of them or people saw their brief interactions. Zero grew more restless and his hunger grew as well.
At the same time as he was making another vamp-friend-associate-thing in Stefan, who he realized he could use to learn about the other vampires and who he acknowledged some sort of kinship toward, he was also learning of the presence of vampires much more dangerous than Dru or Spike. He was able to direct his irritation over Yuuki's presence and what it did to him to focusing on this new mission of monitoring this high-risk lot. Being unable to intervene in what happened to Parker because of the Association's rules and his concern over putting her in more danger caused him to question his usefulness, something especially dangerous with someone as latent-suicidal as Zero. He became even more tense and more vicious toward vampires, always on high-alert.
Then October happened and everything pretty much went to hell for Zero. While he was able to form somewhat of an alliance with the Kurans, his own bloodlust left him unable to do much for either his victims or the victims of the other vampires. It also caused him to reconsider his own interaction with humans. Not to mention, an incident with Yuuki has him again unsure on how he's supposed to accept her. As Cross Yuuki or Kuran Yuuki? The whole thing left Zero deeply depressed about his inability to act in this setting.
His fight with Stefan did not improve things, as Stefan was becoming someone Zero was actually trusting, even to the point of telling him to protect the campers during October. But learning that Stefan was responsible for Damon's vampirism was simply too close to his own past with Ichiru, and Zero could not cope. He told himself this proved that trusting vampires was indeed a mistake and that Stefan was the same vicious, selfish monster as the rest. It was especially bad timing since it came with the arrival of Katherine, another very dangerous vampire in Zero's eyes and one that he needed Stefan's help in understanding. Poor Okita ended up getting the brunt of Zero's fury at Stefan.
Effect on Sanity:
Negative. Camp has thrown Zero into situations he has no control over when control is the one thing he needs most to stave off his emotional instability and bloodlust. While he has gathered many friends and allies, his inability to protect them during October and the recent result of his attempt to trust what he's always hated has hurt him badly. Zero is functioning as always, but he's even more likely to lash out if pushed the wrong way and less likely to open up to people. Zero is also increasingly protective in attempts to hold onto what he has.
SETSUNA
Before Camp:
Setsuna was originally taken from before his trip to Heaven so he was pretty worked up about finding Sara. While he had dealt with some of his earlier issues of struggling with his incestuous love for his sister, struggling with his feeling of isolation from the world and its resentment of him (along with his attempted suicide) and struggling to know whether people saw him instead of Alexiel, he was doing all right. He still had his violent and selfish urges and still constantly worried whether he was good enough.
At Camp:
Setsuna did all right at first, finding instant familiarity in Katou's presence and slowly warming up to both Michael and Raphael, despite his rocky history with the former and complete unfamiliarity with the latter. The people here were less pushy about his Messiah role so Setsuna could develop again as his own person and make friends on his own terms, without the specter of Alexiel hanging over him. He found kinship in the Sohmas due to their own understanding of fate and intense familial bonds and opened up more easily to people. Things were slightly complicated by Kira's arrival and with it, the truth about the future and what would happen to him and his friends. Kira unsettled Setsuna's world greatly in that he represented exactly what Setsuna most wanted while bringing Sara's missing to the forefront of Setsuna's mind, along with the nagging knowledge that Kira wasn't quite Kira anymore, something Setsuna continued to deny for a long time.
However, the ever-present worry over Sara's state and his inability to reach her gradually wore him down to the point where he snapped and retreated into Alexiel. This resulted in his de-aged form running about while Alexiel tried to coax the hiding Setsuna back into reality. It worked for a while and Setsuna continued to struggle with coping. Sara's arrival obviously improved things greatly. But Setsuna was still a selfish prick, something he became distinctly aware of with Raziel's arrival and the emphasis on his Messiah role. After learning the truth about Raziel, Setsuna did his best to work on his selfish nature, aside from occasionally raising holy hell with Raphael for the angel's interest in Sara.
Things took another ugly turn when the Death Games resulted in Kira's death and Lucifer's resurrection, forcing Setsuna to acknowledge what he had been suppressing all this time. Lucifer ended up killing Setsuna and then kissing Alexiel just as Setsuna fought back for consciousness, thus confusing him further. Which was naturally complicated to the nth power by Kira's departure. This hit Setsuna especially hard since he had recently lost Katou and now was fully aware that returning back home would not bring them back and that he would have to accept that the times they had here (many of them good) would be their last.
Still, Setsuna, bolstered by his ever-replenishing social circle, at camp bounced back. He had Michael to kick his ass into shape and Sara to comfort him. Hatori's leaving also hit him hard since Hatori was the one person outside his immediate circle that he truly connected with and felt 100% comfortable around. But Setsuna's vacation home and subsequent update to just after he leaves Eden improved things slightly, giving Setsuna a better idea of where he stood in things. Katou and Uriel's return has also improved his mood greatly, making him more likely to play around and relax. Still, Setsuna's warrior lust remains high and he gets easily bored and while he is not as easily provoked into a fight, Setsuna can only ignore the impulse for so long. At this point, Setsuna's main concerns right now are his increasing distrust for Hatter, given both the auction promise and what he heard about happening with Neji, and his worry over Katou's mental state, given what Katou's been through recently. He is most worried about Katou and will do whatever it takes to help him, including distraction.
Effect on Sanity:
Positive. Overall, Setsuna feels at home here, and though he is not super inclined to return to his world, he has reached the point where he understands that it's something he has to do. He's all right with this and plans to just enjoy his time and people here. He has made friends who see him for who he is and his self-esteem issues have gradually toned down, making him less reluctant to become close to people and more willing to talk about himself. And he has come to terms with both his losses and Lucifer/Kira, although he still despises any analogues of Lucifer for what they represent. There is still some irritation toward Alexiel, but it's old wounds and it's more annoyance than actual resentment at this point.
LELOUCH
Previously on adventures in Lelouch's sanity:
Recap
Also going on in here is Lelouch's turbulent relationship with Cornelia and his struggle to decide how they are supposed to live together here (going from disdain to attack to professionalism to strained attempts at understanding) and his unsettled feelings toward his being in camp in the first place.
Camp Since Then:
Simply put, the entire incident with Masque FUCKED LELOUCH UP. From the return to having to order the deaths of others (something he had hoped to never have to do again) to the crippling failure of his plans to his and Masque's private interlude. Lelouch was not well after this. But Lelouch is also highly skilled at repressing by now. And repress he did! I think the only person to ever know how much this time really shook Lelouch is Cornelia, who saw him right after the final fight and could see that for all of Lelouch's homicidal tendencies and bluster, he is still very vulnerable.
Suzaku's return both improved and worsened things. Lelouch did not know how to deal with it at first, especially since Suzaku was not from quite the same time as him. He pushed him away at first, while ensuring that Nunnally enjoyed the return of their old friend. But at the same time, the idea of Suzaku wasting his last chance at life by being miserable and withdrawn rankled him something fierce, driving Lelouch to seek out Suzaku for the sake of getting him involved in things and just... being himself.
Then, there was the incident with Cornelia that dredged up his bloody past with Euphie, forcing Lelouch to acknowledge what he has always known, that his later actions (ZR) were nothing toward Euphie's dream. Aside from half-driving himself mad with his inability to do anything for those he had hurt, Lelouch also came to terms with the flaws of his final plan and realized a new course was required here to amend for what he could not do in his world. But still, he struggled with bringing that course to play, still plagued by uncertainty and the difficulty of facing issues he had never had to deal with by themselves before now. Like his complicated feelings toward Suzaku.
Of course, mistletoe season took all these issues and had a regular field day with them, forcing Lelouch to confront them head-on. Lelouch's attempts at evasion with Suzaku only worsened things until truths were finally bared, and Lelouch came to accept his selfish nature when it came to the knight. And he does fully view it as selfish, although he knows it gives Suzaku something as well and likes to tell himself their relationship is just for the sake of giving the knight closure. It's obviously not the healthiest thing for either of them since Suzaku can never really forgive Lelouch and Lelouch knows that, and while it has shades of their Ashford days, the shadow of their promise is never truly gone from either of their minds. Not to mention that memories of Shirley and Euphie, and even some Kallen too, still linger in Lelouch's mind. But for lack of a better word, the relationship does help Lelouch better connect with the world he has distanced himself from, and he does relax around Suzaku. In a slightly warped way, they are content with it. When Lelouch is not dealing with his anxiety from being too damn neurotic about these things, something that also might have a bit of connection with his trauma from October 2009.
Though this relaxation is banked by the events of the Apple Plot, which resulted in Lelouch Geassing two people especially close to him. Kamui and Ricochet. Much of Lelouch's new attitude toward life and toward camp is a reaction to that event, with him wanting to use camp to its fullest to prove to this place that its positive uses can overpower the negative effects. But the Geassing has left Lelouch slightly messed-up in terms of how he connects to both Kamui and Ricochet. The same with how shooting Cornelia has made him more inclined to reach out to her, on top of how nightmares about Euphie have urged him to be family for her sake. He struggles with an excess of guilt and constant reevaluation of what others need for him, which is the most important thing to him now. This plays into his strained attempts to let Nunnally develop on her own, with some encouragement from his end to let her know it's all right, even if part of him wants to intervene and the other part wants to stay away completely.
Effect on Sanity:
Mixed. Lelouch exists in a constant state of flux, with various things likely to set him off and a difficulty with finding himself immediately afterward. While facing some of his issues has been important toward his new level of maturation at camp (since it really wasn't quite complete back home), doing so has also devastated some of his long-held defenses and left him unsure, the worst possible thing in Lelouch's mind. Lelouch still seeks to be in control of situations, but he is very volatile in the wrong circumstances and falls back on old destructive habits. Like oh trying to level camp with his Knightmare. |D;;
ZERO
Previously in adventures in Zero's sanity:
Recap!
Since Then in Camp:
Well, at first Zero updating to a year later helped since he was more stable and could control his bloodlust and some other events like the Mirror Plot and such helped him open up to his special people about his most repressed issues. Plus, his horsie showed up so that made him happy. Zero loev Lily. Then Zero started getting to know more of the Campires like the Twivamps and even learning to not hate some of them (as he learned of their 'vegetarian' natures), though he was still doing dumb shit like getting into violent fights with Kaname and turning into adorable fluffy animals. All in all though, he had a good base of people he considered friends and was steadily improving.
Then Yuuki showed up. LOL. All of Zero's repressed issues swam to the forefront from his pat with her to his bloodlust for her to his inability to fully disassociate past and present. There was the biting, which didn't help either since it showed him how much both the past and his bloodlust held sway over him. Plus, people began to question his relationship with Yuuki as they approached either of them or people saw their brief interactions. Zero grew more restless and his hunger grew as well.
At the same time as he was making another vamp-friend-associate-thing in Stefan, who he realized he could use to learn about the other vampires and who he acknowledged some sort of kinship toward, he was also learning of the presence of vampires much more dangerous than Dru or Spike. He was able to direct his irritation over Yuuki's presence and what it did to him to focusing on this new mission of monitoring this high-risk lot. Being unable to intervene in what happened to Parker because of the Association's rules and his concern over putting her in more danger caused him to question his usefulness, something especially dangerous with someone as latent-suicidal as Zero. He became even more tense and more vicious toward vampires, always on high-alert.
Then October happened and everything pretty much went to hell for Zero. While he was able to form somewhat of an alliance with the Kurans, his own bloodlust left him unable to do much for either his victims or the victims of the other vampires. It also caused him to reconsider his own interaction with humans. Not to mention, an incident with Yuuki has him again unsure on how he's supposed to accept her. As Cross Yuuki or Kuran Yuuki? The whole thing left Zero deeply depressed about his inability to act in this setting.
His fight with Stefan did not improve things, as Stefan was becoming someone Zero was actually trusting, even to the point of telling him to protect the campers during October. But learning that Stefan was responsible for Damon's vampirism was simply too close to his own past with Ichiru, and Zero could not cope. He told himself this proved that trusting vampires was indeed a mistake and that Stefan was the same vicious, selfish monster as the rest. It was especially bad timing since it came with the arrival of Katherine, another very dangerous vampire in Zero's eyes and one that he needed Stefan's help in understanding. Poor Okita ended up getting the brunt of Zero's fury at Stefan.
Effect on Sanity:
Negative. Camp has thrown Zero into situations he has no control over when control is the one thing he needs most to stave off his emotional instability and bloodlust. While he has gathered many friends and allies, his inability to protect them during October and the recent result of his attempt to trust what he's always hated has hurt him badly. Zero is functioning as always, but he's even more likely to lash out if pushed the wrong way and less likely to open up to people. Zero is also increasingly protective in attempts to hold onto what he has.
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Date: 2010-11-14 12:08 am (UTC)Baw, this was a good read. POOR ZERO. Any damage to your mental health was unintentional. :'(
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